Stupidity, Social Darwinism and the RMQ

This message is a public service announcement:

Warning labels for stupid people are pointless.  If they are stupid enough to need truly imbecilic warnings for the appropriate use or description of every day items, then they are clearly too stupid to read said warning label.

Stop trying to save the stupid people!  Stop it!  RIGHT NOW!

Now before I go ass over tea kettles into my diatribe, let me make this exception (so I don’t get hate mail about my general heinousness and political insensitivity.)  Not included in the category of stupid are, small children, developmentally disabled, pets and animals – anyone or anything not capable of caring for themselves.  I’m talking about your average garden variety idiots here.  You may now continue with the previously scheduled rant.

So what prompted this visceral response in me? ( I tend to be a stimulus /response kind of writer- a blogging amoeba, if you will.)  Something seemingly innocuous as renewing my massage therapy liability insurance.  I hade to take a telecourse and sign a waiver to renew my coverage to do hot stone massage.  Why?  because apparently there is an issue with undertrained, hack therapists burning their clients to a crisp with lava hot basalt stones.  The clients don’t seem to like this cant imagine why.

At one point in the video they show a massage therapist wearing industrial grade hazmat gloves to protect his hands as he rubs down his client with his lovely rocks o’hellfire.  I can literally feel my brow furrowing as I yell WTFC!* at my computer monitor.  Common sense would dictate that if the stone is too hot for your delicate little paws then perhaps is a scosh to warm for you clients bare back.  Well Effing Duh!  And yet…here I sit because some jackhole (or many jackholes) have been sued for severely burning their clients.  This brought up the thought – how the hell did these people manage to become licensed massage therapists?  This got me to further pondering (as I often do) stupidity, social Darwinism and what I like to call the RMQ (Relative Moron Quotient).  As I did this, I began looking around my house for other examples of warnings or instructions specifically designed for those rockin ‘ out life at the high end of that scale.  For Example:


Ingredients: Carrots – Well Thank You Mister Wizard!

Oh thank God!  I was so worried that I had somehow picked up a bag of oddly shaped tiny orange dildos in the organic produce section of my local grocery store.  Crisis averted. *Whew!*


This is an enormous packet of desiccant.  It is probably 2 in x 2in.  I can almost understand the warning in a bottle of vitamins, but this one came inside the packaging for a steam iron.  Is anyone really going to open the box and be like “Oh look!  A Treat! How considerate! Why I think I’ll have myself a steam and a snack right now!  Is appliance desiccant consumption really that big of an issue?  Apparently so.


Ok…I understand that  a plastic bag is a suffocation risk…but this warning isn’t for the child…it’s for the idiot adult that needs to be told in bold underline that this, under any circumstances, is not a toy….oh and by the way – don’t use it in playpens or carriages either. O.o

PicMonkey Collage

Ok Really?  Are you effing serious?  I don’t even know where to begin.

Who in the hell is this for?

But I’ve been taking them twice a day faithfully, and nothing is happening! External use only? Ohhhhh.. that explains why my eyelashes haven’t become lovely and lush…and the intestinal blockage.


I have long held the belief that we as human beings should be allowed an allotment of 12 really stupid things a day. Upon performance of the 13th stupid thing, a golden celestial hammer smashes you flat and ensures that you are no longer allowed to piss in the collective gene pool.  My take on Social Darwinism.  You will also be removed if your survival ensures the reduction of the global IQ.  This is determined by Tina’s handy dandy Relative Moron Quotient scale.  It goes something like this:

You forgot your keys.  You need to read the instructions to build Ikea furniture.  You tend to read the precautions before operating heavy machinery. – You are pretty normal. You are probably a 1 or 2 on the RMQ.

You broke your keys trying to pry something open.  You need to read the instructions to heat a can of chili.  You assume you know all the precautions needed for operating heavy machinery. – Use caution…You are nearing the danger zone.  You are probably a five on the RMQ.

You are incapable of figuring out how to use keys.  You need instructions to use a toothbrush.  Your motto is “Precautions are for pussies! I got this!” You are a 10 on the RMQ and you must be eradicated immediately…no I mean it.  Be gone with you.  You are using up precious global resources like oxygen and space…and frankly, I need more storage space.

If you feel my sentiments are offensive or inappropriate, please file your complaint here:


This is Louie the wiener dog, and he approves of this message.


*WTFC – What the fuck Chuck.