Ahh my nemisis, we meet again. (Aka why i believe my liquid eyeliner is sentient.)

My eyeliner is in a secret plot against me. I am convinced of this….and now it is seducing the rest of my make up to join the revolution.  There is some late night, secret squirrel collusion going on amongst my cosmetics…I can feel it.  At first I was a little worried that my face was in on this collaboration, but now I am certain that it is just an innocent bystander.  In this uprising it us my eyeliner, not my face, that is revolting.

Don’t go there. I mean it.  Are you done? 

Ok then…. So before going on to the insidious evil of my liquid eyeliner, I need to explain something about myself.  I love vintage…especially from the 40’s and 50’s.  Vintage clothes, vintage hairstyles, vintage makeup – love it. In my head when daydreaming I like to fancy myself a pin up girl; a fat middle aged pin up girl, but a pin up girl none the less. (don’t judge me!  I know its delusional, but its MY deranged vision – go get your own.)

Here’s the thing about pin up style makeup…it requires a couple of trademark items: Pressed powder, really good matte red lipstick (I recommend MAC ‘Ruby Woo’) and eyeliner…freaking liquid eyeliner.

Here’s the problem,,,it can start out seemingly fine then go horribly awry.  Line eyelids with black line, ending in a lovely winglike flourish, leaving you that perfect cat eye look.  Simple right?  You would think so…and yet.  It goes like this: line first eye – hmm looks pretty good.  Line second eye.  Hmm that one looks thicker….ok I’ll just touch up the other side a little.  Well crap, now I jacked up the ‘wing’,  It way longer than the other side.  I’ll just touch up the other side… CRAP! REALLY?

The look I’m going for is something like this:


What I end up with looks more like this:


Don’t get me wrong, pandas are awesome…but not as a fashion statement.  I want a look that says retro sex kitten, not endangered species.

In spite of all of the L’Oreal induced trauma, this same battle will ensue tomorrow morning – and every morning that I decide not to take on the world with a blank face. And now the lip liner and eyebrow pencil  are in cahoots.  Soon I will be able to audition for the role of the Joker in the all panda cast of The Dark Knight.  Nothing like greeting clients when you look like your makeup gun was set to ‘clown’.

Ultimately though, I know the eyeliner is the ringleader.  Every morning there will be that stare down…woman versus accursed tube.  I can actually hear the theme music from the good the bad and the ugly in the background.  In the end there can only one, like some kind of ethereal cosmetic Highlander.  Today goes to you liquid eyeliner. Game, set, match,  Well played.  But don’t get cocky. Tomorrow I’m coming for you, and I will stealth up on you like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.  Tomorrow your ass is mine,